HOW DO I HANDLE THIS?

[sabine adkins]

AT WORK YESTERDAY, I HAD TO BEND OVER TO CLEAN UP SPILLED COFFEE. THERE WERE SEVERAL OTHER EMPLOYEES THERE AND ONE OF THEM MADE THE REMARK"THAT'S A WIDE LOAD!" EVERYONE STARTED LAUGHING AND I WAS HUMILIATED. I LEFT WORK CRYING. I AM A GOOD NURSE AND HAVE RECEIVED AWARDS. I AM ALSO VERY AGILE FOR MY SIZE. I HAVE NO PROBLEMS DOING MY JOB. MY FIRST GUT INSTINCT WAS TO SLAP THAT EMPLOYEE BECAUSE I HAVE HAD TO DEAL WITH THIS FOR YEARS! BUT I DONT WANT TO GO TO JAIL OR LOOSE MY JOB. I DONT THINK GOING TO MY MANAGER WOULD DO ANYGOOD. ANY SUGGGESTIONS? IF I HAD MADE A REMARK ABOUT HER RACE, IT WOULD BE COVERED UNDER THE CIVIL RIGHTS BILL. THERE IS NO SUCH "RIGHTS" FOR US.

[Barbara]

WOW I did not know that about the sur. gen. I will have to look it up!
As to your post about your colleague: You are kind and wise. I would count it as an honor to have you for my nurse, let alone friend. You still show empathy to someone who has none (and I do realize that she probably developed her horrid habit from long being the object of many types of ridicule). Still, I admire you, for your restraint and empathy. As I always say (but do not always act on) "everyone deserves empathy, sympathy and a break if they have suffered. UNTIL they start spreading their stuff all over someone else, then it is OPEN SEASON" but in reality, I try not to stoop to their level.
I also like what people say about Karma etc.
Just between us (and my "us" I mean sensitive, caring people, it is ok to be angry. I am glad she will be gone soon.

sabine adkins said:

THANK YOU FOR YOUR REPLY. SHE WAS OF COLOR AND ....GET THIS.....OVER WEIGHT HERSELF! SHE IS GOING TO BE RETIRING SOON AND SHE IS AFRAID THAT I MIGHT GET HER INTO TROUBLE WITH OUR BOSS AS SHE HAS HAD SO MANY PROBLEMS BEFORE WITH HER REMARKS. SO I AM ENJOYING HER WALKING "ON EGGSHELLS" HA HA. I HAVE NOT SAID ANYTHING TO MY BOSS AND PROBABLY WONT UNLESS SHE DOES SOMETHING ELSE. SHE HAS WORKED AT OUR HOSPITAL FOR 25 YEARS. IT WOUKLD BE ASHAME IF SHE LOST HER RETIREMENT BECAUSE SHE GOT FIRED. SOOOO, I AM BITING MY TONGUE. SINCE YOU MADE A COMMENT, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE REMARKS THAT HAVE BEEN MADE ABOUT OUR NEW SURGEON GENERAL BEING
"TOO FAT" TO BE OUR SURGEON GENERAL. I DONT LIKE OBAMA OR HIS CRONIES BUT TO USE THIS AS A REASON OFR HER NOT TO GET THE JOB IS DISCRIMINATORY. WHAT IF THE QUESTION WAS "SHE IS BLACK AND A FEMALE. IS SHE QUALIFIED? I THINK YOU GET MY POINT. IT LOOKS LIKE FAT PEOPLE DONT HAVE RIGHTS IN OUR POLITICALLY CORRECT SOCIETY

Barbara said:

First, I am sorry that happened to you. It is not only wrong, but indefensible. How dare they think it is ok to make remarks about you and all laugh, and then expect you to just forget about it. You are right. If they did it to a person of color, or a gay person (though people get away with that mean stuff too) they would be embarrassed. I wish I had been there. And, of course, I hope it never happens to you again. But if it does, wouldn't it be great if you could wring out the rag you used on the head of the person who said it? "Wide or not, the coffee has to go somewhere" Even if you just handed that person the rag, or the napkin, or the dirty cup. I would be so tempted to say "well, it looks like my a** is too wide to fit into the waste room, so I am sure you will be happy to dispose of the TRASH, since you will fit so well in there."

I have found, also, that over the years many of the people who make comments about my size or weight have some sort of thing of which they are ashamed (not that they necessarily should be). Example: a friend of my husband's was "just trying to help" when he asked my husband why he was marrying a fat girl (ha! I was much thinner then,, but who cares" The guy was 5'3" and bald at age 26 with a pot belly. I never judged him for that, nor would I ever. But obviously he had to put me down because he felt inadequate himself. Hey, FAT is the worst thing you can be, right?

[Vivienne]

This is a great response! Do you know the one thing that I have NEVER said to offensive comments? "That offends me." Or, "That hurts my feelings." I have never said either of those things--and I'll wager that neither have many others.

biggirl said:

I loved what someone once told me about responding verbally to such things: Say whatever comes to your mind. We sometimes censor ourselves because we want to say the One Right Thing. We wonder if we had said something else what would happen. Even if you just squealed something, you would have been doing what's right. It's good to think about what to say next time, but it's equally good to tell yourself that you should say whatever you wish -- nothing is right or wrong.

[Barbara]

In response to comments such as "you're fat" or "wide load" or whatever, I have been know to respond with things like "THANK YOU SO MUCH! You know, I was just wondering this morning if I were fat, and wasn't sure. Thanks for clearing it up for me!" It usually causes embarrassment to the comment maker. But it is hard to do.

[Carrie Padian]

I think telling someone they hurt your feelings is a fantastic response. What can they possibly say to that, really, and not come of as even more of a jerk than they already do?

Vivienne said:

This is a great response! Do you know the one thing that I have NEVER said to offensive comments? "That offends me." Or, "That hurts my feelings." I have never said either of those things--and I'll wager that neither have many others.

biggirl said:

I loved what someone once told me about responding verbally to such things: Say whatever comes to your mind. We sometimes censor ourselves because we want to say the One Right Thing. We wonder if we had said something else what would happen. Even if you just squealed something, you would have been doing what's right. It's good to think about what to say next time, but it's equally good to tell yourself that you should say whatever you wish -- nothing is right or wrong.

[Lyviathon]

Personally that is unprofessional of them and its harassment I would take it to the higher ups. Would they do that to a patient????? If your as popular as you mentioned then the higher ups will probably take that under consideration that you have the option of asking to be transferred from their establishment. I just think its stupid and unprofessional on these other nurse's part.

[Vivienne]

So, FB, why is it that women who eat like Spartans are the only ones that you can have intercourse with?

And, why are you assuming that all fat people are gluttons? Eating only 100 extra calories a day (a beer) would cause people to slowly and steadily gain weight.

Why make sweeping generalizations--you are most effective when you speak for yourself.

Fat Bastard said:

Lyviathon said:

Personally that is unprofessional of them and its harassment I would take it to the higher ups. Would they do that to a patient????? If your as popular as you mentioned then the higher ups will probably take that under consideration that you have the option of asking to be transferred from their establishment. I just think its stupid and unprofessional on these other nurse's part.

That is whining. Let's use the Black analogy again. If someone says "that was really White of you or really Black of you you would take it as a compliment even if it were not meant as one. We fatlings are indeed a BIG LOAD. Stating the obvious is only a put-down if you take it as one.

We are fat because we are gluttons. Being fat and gluttonous is good and nothing of which to be ashamed. There are women who eat like Spartans and they are the old ideal of beauty and the only women that fat men like me can have sexual intercourse. I eat like a Roman at an orgy everyday like all of you. I eat for pleasure first and if some moralist want to judge me for choosing gluttony over temperance that is their problem not mine.

To truly accept our obesity and gluttony is true self-acceptance. Be proud of you gluttony. As a hedonistic glutton I see the so called deadly sins as self love and the heavenly virtues as self-flagellation and self-hatred. The slings and arrows of the pious and the self-righteous are rendered harmless by our greedy gluttony and and fat pride.

[EssaAdams]

Plant Walks said:

Hi. I'm new to this site, saw your post, and wanted to jump in.
"Deal with problems:
-promptly
-kindly
-directly
-privately."

These are guidelines for professionalism, and for getting along well.

I love this list. Have found that this is what I do now. Promptly, without censor because you are a person who can handle a confrontation, it's been in your mind all your life anyway, just let it out..... kindly with no malice, directly, meeting the eyes..... forcible voice like one would an errant canine.... and privately because you deserve the privacy. If done publicly, the offending person will often use their audience against you again. I learned from dealing with my step dad to never sugarcoat what I want to say, they just might not get it and the war wages on inside who? you.

If someone is on your mind with the what if i said this or should i have said that or if they are arguing with you in your head, they have control of your energy. Might as well deal with it outright. But for someone who just cannot say it, then do the warfare in your brain, in 'outerspace', in imagination, do it fast, cut the chord and let it go. Save your energy for those who love you.

[Danielle]

I am sorry that you had to endure such rotten treatment. I would be diplomatic about your response and just let her know that comments like that are rude, inappropriate, degrading and a form of harrassment. Look her in the eyes and let her know that it hurts you and that you would like it to stop. I would document instances where this happened (for your own records) including the days, times, and people involved. Do you have a union? I would start with the individual-- and then if the harrassment continues I would talk to the manager. If something happens and the manager doesn't know about the history of ill treatment-- they don't have any responsibility for alleviating the poor working conditions. Not that you would, but be professional about the process. Just some suggestions. If you have a union, talk to your union rep about what they think. Good luck. Know that you are strong and you are a good nurse and a good person.