HOW DO I HANDLE THIS?

[sabine adkins]

AT WORK YESTERDAY, I HAD TO BEND OVER TO CLEAN UP SPILLED COFFEE. THERE WERE SEVERAL OTHER EMPLOYEES THERE AND ONE OF THEM MADE THE REMARK"THAT'S A WIDE LOAD!" EVERYONE STARTED LAUGHING AND I WAS HUMILIATED. I LEFT WORK CRYING. I AM A GOOD NURSE AND HAVE RECEIVED AWARDS. I AM ALSO VERY AGILE FOR MY SIZE. I HAVE NO PROBLEMS DOING MY JOB. MY FIRST GUT INSTINCT WAS TO SLAP THAT EMPLOYEE BECAUSE I HAVE HAD TO DEAL WITH THIS FOR YEARS! BUT I DONT WANT TO GO TO JAIL OR LOOSE MY JOB. I DONT THINK GOING TO MY MANAGER WOULD DO ANYGOOD. ANY SUGGGESTIONS? IF I HAD MADE A REMARK ABOUT HER RACE, IT WOULD BE COVERED UNDER THE CIVIL RIGHTS BILL. THERE IS NO SUCH "RIGHTS" FOR US.

[Mary Bonjovi]

Put on a brave face and say thank you next time. Be proud of your wide load. Mine has helped me move furniture and other heavy items at times without having to ask someone else to assist me.

[Mary Bonjovi]

Be nice to the slut even tho she doesn't deserve it.

[Mary Bonjovi]

Never fear - karma will get her and all those who laughed with her. It's never failed for me. Above all, pray for patience. Check out this website - you'll feel better in the long run - it has to do with managing the brain chemicals your body naturally makes. http://www.radiantrecovery.com

[Alikaya]

Perhaps you should say to your co-worker and croonies is what you have told us here. " I have dealt wiht jokes like that all my life and frankly, they're not funny and actually quite stupid. Since I want to smack the hell out of you, but I don't wanna loose my job, I'll instead ask you this: How would you deal with it if someone questioned your ability to do your job becasue of your race or gender? Making fun of my size is on the same level, Next time clean up your own damn coffee, princess!"
Okay maybe not exaclty like that, but you get the idea.

[Mary-Anne]

You have two choices, be nice or be nasty.

You can suck it up, "be proud of your wide load".
"Let karma take care of it.:
If you can do it, that will probably serve your career better.

However, if this b**** is not taught some manners,
she will hurt someone else.

So the alternative is to start making remarks
implying that your colleague is bulemic.
"Oh so it's the bulemic nurse.
Have you thrown up since you last ate
or should we take care that you don't vomit on us."
If she replies that she is not bulemic, you respond
"Well it's the only way that I can explain the other day.
You are clearly so terrified of becoming fat,
that it gives you the manners of a badly raised 10-year old.
You're not quite thin enough to have anorexia nervosa,
so I must assume that your fat phobia manifests as bulemia
and manners you should be ashamed of.

I understand, it's a phobia. You can't control it.
I feel sorry for you, a woman whose life is run by what she weighs."

And on and on until she wants to object.

Even if you decide not to do this,
just THINKING about doing it might feel good.

:-)

Mary-Anne

[Angela]

"I am a good nurse and have received awards. I am also very agile for my size". These are the things that you should continue to tell yourself regardless of what some insensitive coworker who hasn't psychologically made it out of junior high says. Despite what may lead to an awkward relationship with your coworker, if she ever makes another comment like that in front of you, tell her she can clean it up herself it she'd like to.

[biggirl]

I loved what someone once told me about responding verbally to such things: Say whatever comes to your mind. We sometimes censor ourselves because we want to say the One Right Thing. We wonder if we had said something else what would happen. Even if you just squealed something, you would have been doing what's right. It's good to think about what to say next time, but it's equally good to tell yourself that you should say whatever you wish -- nothing is right or wrong.

[Helen Honey]

I think I would remind the person that comments about one's body could be construed as sexual harrassment, smile, and ask her if that's what she intended. Remind her that they could be reported to Human Resources and ask her if that's what she would like to happen.

[sabine adkins]

THNK YOU FOR YOUR REPLY. I HAVE RECEIVED A LOT OF REPLIES AND ALL OF THEM ARE GREATLY APPRECIATED AT THIS VERY DIFFICULT TIME FOR ME. I KNOW WHERE I CAN COME FOR SUPPORT AS PEOPLE WITH OUR PROBLEM DO NOT GET NEAR THE SUPPORT THAT WE NEED. THEY DON'T REALIZE THAT WHEN WE GET HUMILIATED, IT DRIVES US TO MORE SELF LOATHING AND THEN TO SEARCH FOR COMFORT OFTEN WITH FOOD. IT JUST STARTS A VICIOUS CYCLE.

Angela said:

"I am a good nurse and have received awards. I am also very agile for my size". These are the things that you should continue to tell yourself regardless of what some insensitive coworker who hasn't psychologically made it out of junior high says. Despite what may lead to an awkward relationship with your coworker, if she ever makes another comment like that in front of you, tell her she can clean it up herself it she'd like to.

[Plant Walks]

Hi. I'm new to this site, saw your post, and wanted to jump in.

That was a cruel comment and behavior on the part of your coworker(s). I'm so sorry; no one should have to deal with that, and you are right to feel angry/hurt/offended.

The problem for me with not saying anything is that I eventually boil over. So, I have learned the hard way (by boiling over and it being ineffective or causing me worse problems) that I need to speak up ASAP, but in an effective and professional way. At least for me, not saying anything makes me feel awful, I carry the anger bottled up inside, and am on edge with the person(s) I have an issue with, which only deteriorates the relationship and often eventually results in my blowing up. So this is how I try to deal with it. This has been surprisingly effective, and has taught me that it *is* possible to have good outcomes.

I used to keep a post-it at my desk at work, and will at future jobs. I'd written on it, as a reminder, for dealing with my anger when issues came up:

"Deal with problems:
-promptly
-kindly
-directly
-privately."

These are guidelines for professionalism, and for getting along well.

In reality, sadly, this coworker probably has no idea (even though we might think she should) how painful her comment was. But by speaking to her promptly, kindly, directly (to her, not to others), and privately, showing her respect, but letting her know how it feels, as you clearly can by what you shared with us, you will be letting her know in a professional and effective manner. Speak to her the next day you're working together (before your anger and hurt cost you any further heartache), out of earshot of anyone else (asking to speak with her privately for a moment, if necessary), and kindly tell her how you feel about her comment, and her making it publicly, and remind her of your accomplishments, and what you like or respect about her, and that you want a good working relationship with her.

By treating her with kindness and respect, but letting her know how you feel, you put her on notice and are least likely to get retaliation and further antagonism.

Best wishes, and again, I'm sorry you've had to put up with her insulting remark.

[Barbara]

First, I am sorry that happened to you. It is not only wrong, but indefensible. How dare they think it is ok to make remarks about you and all laugh, and then expect you to just forget about it. You are right. If they did it to a person of color, or a gay person (though people get away with that mean stuff too) they would be embarrassed. I wish I had been there. And, of course, I hope it never happens to you again. But if it does, wouldn't it be great if you could wring out the rag you used on the head of the person who said it? "Wide or not, the coffee has to go somewhere" Even if you just handed that person the rag, or the napkin, or the dirty cup. I would be so tempted to say "well, it looks like my a** is too wide to fit into the waste room, so I am sure you will be happy to dispose of the TRASH, since you will fit so well in there."

I have found, also, that over the years many of the people who make comments about my size or weight have some sort of thing of which they are ashamed (not that they necessarily should be). Example: a friend of my husband's was "just trying to help" when he asked my husband why he was marrying a fat girl (ha! I was much thinner then,, but who cares" The guy was 5'3" and bald at age 26 with a pot belly. I never judged him for that, nor would I ever. But obviously he had to put me down because he felt inadequate himself. Hey, FAT is the worst thing you can be, right?

[sabine adkins]

THANK YOU FOR YOUR REPLY. SHE WAS OF COLOR AND ....GET THIS.....OVER WEIGHT HERSELF! SHE IS GOING TO BE RETIRING SOON AND SHE IS AFRAID THAT I MIGHT GET HER INTO TROUBLE WITH OUR BOSS AS SHE HAS HAD SO MANY PROBLEMS BEFORE WITH HER REMARKS. SO I AM ENJOYING HER WALKING "ON EGGSHELLS" HA HA. I HAVE NOT SAID ANYTHING TO MY BOSS AND PROBABLY WONT UNLESS SHE DOES SOMETHING ELSE. SHE HAS WORKED AT OUR HOSPITAL FOR 25 YEARS. IT WOUKLD BE ASHAME IF SHE LOST HER RETIREMENT BECAUSE SHE GOT FIRED. SOOOO, I AM BITING MY TONGUE. SINCE YOU MADE A COMMENT, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE REMARKS THAT HAVE BEEN MADE ABOUT OUR NEW SURGEON GENERAL BEING
"TOO FAT" TO BE OUR SURGEON GENERAL. I DONT LIKE OBAMA OR HIS CRONIES BUT TO USE THIS AS A REASON OFR HER NOT TO GET THE JOB IS DISCRIMINATORY. WHAT IF THE QUESTION WAS "SHE IS BLACK AND A FEMALE. IS SHE QUALIFIED? I THINK YOU GET MY POINT. IT LOOKS LIKE FAT PEOPLE DONT HAVE RIGHTS IN OUR POLITICALLY CORRECT SOCIETY

Barbara said:

First, I am sorry that happened to you. It is not only wrong, but indefensible. How dare they think it is ok to make remarks about you and all laugh, and then expect you to just forget about it. You are right. If they did it to a person of color, or a gay person (though people get away with that mean stuff too) they would be embarrassed. I wish I had been there. And, of course, I hope it never happens to you again. But if it does, wouldn't it be great if you could wring out the rag you used on the head of the person who said it? "Wide or not, the coffee has to go somewhere" Even if you just handed that person the rag, or the napkin, or the dirty cup. I would be so tempted to say "well, it looks like my a** is too wide to fit into the waste room, so I am sure you will be happy to dispose of the TRASH, since you will fit so well in there."

I have found, also, that over the years many of the people who make comments about my size or weight have some sort of thing of which they are ashamed (not that they necessarily should be). Example: a friend of my husband's was "just trying to help" when he asked my husband why he was marrying a fat girl (ha! I was much thinner then,, but who cares" The guy was 5'3" and bald at age 26 with a pot belly. I never judged him for that, nor would I ever. But obviously he had to put me down because he felt inadequate himself. Hey, FAT is the worst thing you can be, right?